Reparenting is out, 'Grandparenting' is in.

Last week, I did a little post ont’ interweb:

And the most beautiful thing followed. A load of you legends flooded the comments with nostalgic remembering. V tender memories. Stories of Ribena and fruit cake, hot water bottles tucked into beds, flannelette sheets tucked in tight, smells: powdery and warm, like tea bags and talcum powder, like the Sunday dinner steam.

It became a crowdsourced masterclass in self-directed kindness. A collective memory of what unconditional love actually looked like, translated into the small, daily acts that made us feel held.

So here it is: the full grandparenting yourself manifesto. From mint imperials to hankies up sleeves, jigsaws with missing pieces to jam donuts eaten on the sly. This is how we learned to be loved. This is how we can love ourselves. All from you. Do these things to grandparent yourself:

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• Elevenses, religiously. A cup of tea and cake or a biscuit every day at eleven o’clock, no exceptions

• Hot Ribena and a slice of fruit cake. Bonus points for an electric blanket

• Hot chocolate in bed

• Never be in a hurry

• A cuppa and lil biccy, always

• Put a wee little hot water bottle in your bed half an hour before you get in it

• Doing arts and crafts on a rainy Saturday

• An always-bursting, variety-filled, decadent biscuit tin

• Wear a three-piece around the gaff just to watch telly.

• Fun day trips to museums where you ALWAYS get a lil something from the gift shop

• Take an unscheduled half day off (like being taken out of school) to recover if you are feeling overwhelmed

• Insist people “take a jumper”

• Tell yourself stories that start with “back in my day...”

• Take time to slowly fold all your shopping bags and store them neatly

• Pop to the shop for biscuits and have a chat with friends and locals

• Make a full blown picnic to take to the cinema, complete with flask of coffee. Proceed to spend a fortune on pic’n’mix as well

• Live in slippers

• Sellotape some pound coins to a greetings card and give it to yourself

• Always having a box of flakes and Mars bar ice creams in the freezer topped up on a weekly trip

• Send friends off after a visit with delicious food

• Bake yourself a pie, then pick all the crusts off

• Go for walks to see the sheep

• Remember: “a little bit of what you fancy does you good”

• Set the table for breakfast the night before

• Watching wholesome daytime TV

• Put everything you need right next to you on a TV tray

• Have a jar of E45 on the nightstand

• Keep your glasses on a string so you don’t lose ‘em

• The best apple pie and custard, or rhubarb from the garden

• Take that hanky up your sleeve for whenever you need it

• Play endless games of Scrabble

• Bake a weekly batch of cakes, pastries and scones every Sunday

• Carry around Werthers Originals at all times

• Say “My, how much you’ve grown! You’re looking more handsome every time I see you” whenever you catch your face in a mirror. Use this exact language

• Celebrate every achievement as though you are the only person who has ever achieved it

• Mac and cheese, made exactly the way your Nanna made it

• Your favourite sweets under your pillow

• A teasmaid next to your bed with a fresh cuppa and a Rich Tea biscuit

• Make a chocolate Kinder Surprise egg magically appear from behind your ear

• Cup of tea and cake or a biscuit. Still makes me smile

• Fried potatoes and spam

• Rewatches of You’ve Been Framed on VHS

• Three puddings, because why not?

• A flowery handkerchief ready when you need it

• Go out to eat at 5pm so you can be home in your PJs by 7

• Keep your phone in a drawer and turn it on once a week

• A living room dance party to your favourite tunes

• A pocket full of neverending mints

• Warm donuts from the bakery after eating a sausage roll five minutes before

• Pink wafers

• Do that favourite jigsaw even though three pieces are missing

• Do whatever you’re ‘not allowed to’ at home

• Stop to talk to everyone you pass on the street

• Ask other people to fix any tech problem you can’t be bothered to figure out

• Visit a garden centre and order a pot of tea

• Occasionally call yourself by another relative’s name

• Pinch your own cheeks and tell yourself you look cute today

• Do the daily newspaper puzzles

• Print photos out

• Change into your house coat within three minutes of arriving home.

• A glass of Bailey’s before bed

• Refer to everyone you talk about as ‘whatshisname’

• A dish of boiled sweets on the coffee table

• Watch quiz shows together

• Endless time and attention

• Make your favourite meal that you asked for

• Give loved ones a gift as they leave the house, even if it’s a tin of veg

• Repeat the same stories

• Heated snuggie with a fleecy hood

• Fig rolls, all day, every day

• Love yourself unconditionally

• Treat yourself to a rock solid fruit pastel from the yellowing icecream tub in the glovebox

• Pinch your own cheek, rustle your own hair, kiss your own cheek

• Endless tenderness

• Humbugs

• Ask yourself the big questions: Have you eaten? Do you want to watch Corrie with me tonight? How’s your best friend/favourite pet/next door neighbour?

• Hold onto people’s arms and bring them in close when you say summet funny

• Cook way too many poppadoms to have with dinner

• Always having a box of mini Magnums (or the Aldi equivalent) in the freezer

• Play old timey jazz on the speakers

• Greet yourself with “hello darling how are you” in a soft Sri Lankan accent

• Walk slowly home, appreciating the world around you

• Say hello to everyone you meet, then introduce yourself and a recent achievement proudly

• Be occasionally unexpectedly fierce

• Chocolate drawer full of Wispas

• Bang on about everything that was better in “our day” with zero fucks given

• Do a bit of Binca (or any gentle craft)

• Abundant enthusiasm and support for anything you’re trying to learn

• Overwhelming encouragement and gentle reminders of how special you are

• Marmite sandwiches with lots of butter (optionally in the bath, if you’re going full Granny)

• Indian version: butter, turmeric, honey. Could eat that all day long

• Have an unapologetic pump and blame it on your squeaky shoe

• Peppermint cream choccie bar

• Shortbread and a cuppa

• Say “My, how much you’ve grown! You’re looking more handsome every time I see you” in the exact voice

• Talk about food, endlessly. Especially start planning the next day’s meal right after finishing dinner today

• Buy and eat five jammy doughnuts from Greggs

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What I love most about this list is how specific it all is. Not “be kind to yourself” in some abstract way, but: put a hot water bottle in your bed half an hour before you get in. Not “practice self-care,” but: buy five jammy donuts and eat them without apology.

Our grandparents understood something we’ve forgotten in our exhausting, optimisation-obsessed, productivity-poisoned culture: that love takes time. It doesn’t care about efficiency or shite like that.

So go on then. Grandparent yourself. Put the kettle on. Get the good biscuits out. Turn the heating up. You’ve earned it, and you don’t need to earn it.

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As always, thanks for reading.
Chance x

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